Recently I’ve encountered a lot of hate in my more immediate surroundings. Everything from the macro level of world politics and wars to the micro hate in the neighborhood I live in- it’s definitely gotten crazier in recent months.

Last week I was almost attacked by a middle-aged disheveled, white man who saw me drive into my garage in the alleyway, and decided to follow me into my garage to yell homophobic epithets at me, although I am not gay. It probably didn’t help that I had Lola in the passenger seat of my M4, but the guy was clearly mad at me for some reason. Was it because I was Asian and driving a nice car at 2pm on a Tuesday? All I did was pass him slowly and drive into my garage- but something about that visage clearly ticked him off. Luckily there were workers in the garage who shooed him away, but it could have resulted in a bloody situation.

A few weeks before that, I was spat upon by a homeless older white woman who called me a chink near the post office. Luckily I got it on video and reported the incident, but law enforcement has higher priorities than tending to hate crimes like these.  This technically is battery, but when she is caught, her actions will be tried as a felony hate crime.

I feel it all around Los Angeles, much less everywhere I’ve been going these days. It definitely seems that Trump has enabled the pretenders to gain confidence in their hatred, whatever breed it comes in. Racism, sexism, bigotry, you name it – it’s all coming out these days. America has by and large become a stupid place to live, and the saving grace continues to be the hard working, thoughtful people of this country who actually have ethics and values. Yep, they still exist amidst the nonsense.

I thought about all of this hatred recently because it hit home in such a visceral way. My fiancée can barely walk our dog outside alone due to the weirdos that roam about. A walk in the dark for a woman almost feels like a death/rape wish. And things weren’t like this even 5 years ago!

So this ever-present, seething, disgusting hate is a variable I know I have no control over. It’s geopolitics playing out at the micro level at its finest. The only thing I know I can change is myself and how I respond to it. I realized that I have to adapt and evolve, never content to sit on my laurels, whatever form that may be for me.

I will unveil a small part of my past that relates to this hatred. It’s a vulnerable part of me, but I’m not afraid to share it.

I was an unfortunate victim of physical and emotional bullying in my youth. The jocks would pick on me, piss on me, beat me up, laugh at me, and all that fun stuff. No girls would give me the time of the day as I was your stereotypical Asian nerd kid. I was an easy target for many, and to this day, I remember those who got off with impunity. Even my older brothers at the church I grew up at were condescending, prideful, and egotistic- these things left me wondering what this whole faith nonsense was about. Back then, even the yuppie white boys got in on the action, dumping pixie stix power on my face for fun at Halloween.

It was in these years I found my real solace in bottling myself up at home and getting lost in video games, playing the piano (because I wanted to, not because I was your typical Asian kid), and taking pictures of weird things with my Mom’s old school film camera. I didn’t know it at the time, but I began to harbor a huge amount of resentment and hatred in my heart during those formative years.

It was in college that I finally decided to do something about it. I decided that no matter what the cost, no matter what it took, my revenge against all who bullied me in grade school would be one simple thing: my own success in life. It drove everything I did. It drove my hustle, my resolve, and silent, unrelenting and crazy courage to do whatever it took to make it. To this day, this is the fire that keeps me going strong, and it is to this vengeful ambition that I am extremely thankful, as it’s gotten me to where I am today.  These days, the would-be bullies in my adult life that would come at me are oftentimes caught off guard with a smile that hides behind it a deep disdain fortified by a confidence that has no tolerance for bullshit. Even I think it’s a bit unnerving of a side of me. In my mind it’s “Oh, you think you’re somebody? Let’s see about that.”

People who know me well know that I am not an easily angered guy, but when F-ed up stuff happens, I have lost my cool from time to time. I found that it was usually when someone would attempt to bully me, disrespect me, or do anything on those lines to someone I love. I see red. I calmly but quickly search for the nearest blunt object to clobber the assailant with. My mind gets numb and recalls the pain of my youth, and the imminent repeat that is about to manifest. When it’s emotional bullying, I drop relationships like a bad habit. All it takes is one action or word of disrespect and that person is out of my life forever. I do it with surgical precision and don’t look back- hell, I even feel good about doing some social spring cleaning. My fiancée says this kind of thing makes for a very cold person, but that is who I am when a bully of any sort appears in my presence. While i can never know this feeling, I would imagine it’s akin to a rape victim facing her rapist again.

So, fast forward to today- in this world of hate, haters gonna hate– as hackneyed as that sounds. It is my response to it that I’m trying to change. While my modus operandi has worked well for me in defending against physical and emotional bullies, I’ve decided to adopt a new approach. Before, it was my success that would be the spit in the face of a parochial-minded, racist middle aged white man or woman who didn’t know if welfare would cover next months rent, but was probably frustrated to see a yellow (or any other color) man walking tall around him. It was my success that would laugh at the face of those who would undercut me in the corporate world (you know who you are). It was my success that would show those that would humblebrag on the internets with their mundane posts about their inane lives. It was my success that would show them- the bullies, that I don’t care if you have enough means or social status to feed a whole family by yourself without any help from your spouse; I can accomplish the same seven times over, so get on with it- I really don’t care, and F you for attempting to flaunt your socioeconomic status to me, the joke that it is. My success amplified my strength, but I realized that success, even as powerful as it might be, can be fleeting. And while the bullies have evolved from youth into adulthood versions, the intent will always be there. I recognize that these were all responses to my deep-seated issues from my youth.

So I found I needed to depend on more than just my success. As hard as it might sound, compassion, understanding, and trying to see it from the bully’s perspective has been a recent endeavor of mine. Why would this person have so much hatred? Perhaps they had it rough in a way I’d never know. Perhaps they too were bullied and carried the weight of the world on their shoulders in the form of hatred. When I would try to look at it from this angle instead of a “I’m successful so F you” attitude, I noticed that things would change. Potential doors would start opening. Bridges broken could start to be rebuilt. Real relationships could be built. Foundations for the future could be converted from hate. This, I found was the right way to look at things, and pay it forward.

It’s a practice that’s certainly difficult, I’m not gonna lie. But it feels right, to respond to hate with love. To conquer it with love.

Great things can happen as love conquers all hatred.

However, if some fool comes into my bedroom window and tries to attack me or my fiancée, I’m gonna crack open that guy’s skull with the steel night stick I have under my bed.

🙂