Today’s topic is one that is near and dear to my heart, yet it’s a sneaky one, so I’m going to devote the time to explain it. I’m writing today on this topic because it impacts everyone in the same way, for better or worse.

Today I’m going to write about talking shit.

I was prompted to think on this topic after a few events that have brought to my attention the need to examine myself in this area. Talking shit is an action we all are guilty of at at least one time or another.

Now, on the surface, it may seem innocuous, this shit talking. We all know the consequences that can arise when, say, the target of the shit talking discovers what is being said about them. That much is obvious; that’s not the focus of my blog today. My focus is on what happens to the actual shit talker in the act of talking shit.

To dig deeper into the roots of why a person talks shit, one has to explore the person generating the shit talking. Typically it’s not out of pure spite- there is usually a stimulus or trigger that causes one to propagate the shit. And sure, the reasons may well be justified. There are many legitimate reasons why one would earn the badge of shade- be it their quirky personalities, oddball habits, lack of consideration for others, or if they’re just plain assholes- the reasons to talk shit are endless. There’s always a reason to talk shit.  About anyone and anything, anytime. 

Let’s be honest- it makes us feel good. By the psychological theory of “pacing,” it makes us mimic our immediate peers and forge a stronger subconscious bond. We feel protected, one with the pack. “You’re on my side on this one right?” Is the bait of emotion that is cast out with a hopeful longing that the other person(s) will bite. And then in a chain reaction of groupthink, others are drawn in to talk more shit about a common new enemy. And ohhhh yeah, that person deserved it alright.

I thought about these things because I had discovered that there was a certain perception about a “core group” that I had inadvertently become a part of- and that this core group was perceived as a clique of a group that seemed very difficult for an outsider to warm up to, and very exclusive- almost like how the “cool kids” would have been in high school. In fact, this group that I had become a part of was in fact a group where it seemed to newcomers that it would be a very cold group to those who might want to become friends.

To me, this was a shocking revelation, because I thought this core group of friends was a warm, welcoming, fun, loving group of people. Apparently to a few new people, this had certainly not been the case, because in their observation, the group was too busy being “together” amongst themselves. I almost felt like that one time in middle school when my buddy Isaac confronted me and said my ego had gotten so big that I could sit it in a chair next to me. Was I that unaware of myself? And really, what was it that I did that caused someone to think this way, and feel shunned and possibly hurt?  I mean, I’m 37 years old, not 13! But as I grow older, I am finding that in social settings, adults can behave just as childish as adolescents- only the words, things, and situations are more evolved – and because of this, cause more incendiary damage and harm. While being the same shit, it’s not. It’s worse because we’re all adults now and have no excuse.

So I wondered what the root cause would be of this disturbing phenomenon. While I might not be able to fully correlate this cause to this effect, I’m pretty confident that talking shit has at least something if not a large part to do with it. Let me explain.

As I mentioned earlier, when one talks shit, there are several triggers that cause it to happen. It feels good to vent about someone, at some level deep inside. It makes one feel bonded to others in the alliance to undermine the newfound enemy’s character and credibility. That much, I think we can all agree with.

But the question is why does it feel good? Why does it seem to satisfy a primal, visceral desire?

It’s an important question to consider, because at the core of the answer is the fact that many people talk shit because they are insecure and afraid themselves- either of themselves and/or the newcomer. Furthermore, talking shit seems to be an indication of dissatisfaction and lack of happiness in one’s own station in life, or at least their perception of it. It shows that one is not abundant in their thinking. It shows that one is willing to engage in such banter that, at the end of the day, doesn’t really produce anything fruitful. If anything, it propagates one’s shitty perception – and perhaps agenda, with negative effects that are sent rippling through social circles. Further, it demonstrates that someone is willing to dedicate the time and effort it takes to talk shit. That shit takes energy to even harbor in one’s mind, much less gossip about it.

I wanted to delve deeper into this, because hey I’ll admit it- I talk shit from time to time too. I’m no saint. I express how I feel sometimes about others, and it’s not always flowers. But I wanted to catch myself this time and take a step back. I observed how it made me feel.

Was it perhaps an inadequate area of my life where I felt incomplete or unhappy, or insufficient and unsatisfied that caused me to feel so comfortable in talking shit? I did notice that in those times in my life where I allowed myself to submit to depression, fits of entitlement, and narrow-minded selfish thinking, I found myself talking more shit. About anything. About anyone. About everything. It was a reflection of my state of mind, and my being. It was in a sense, a verbal portrayal of the inadequate man who I thought I was on the inside.

Yeah, but it seems so innocuous, right? Just words. Just expressions. Just talking a little shit ain’t hurt nobody, right?

For many years now, Tony Robbins said it best when he pontificated about the benefits of gratitude. I wrote about what he said in a previous blog so I won’t repeat it much here, but basically it was on this very topic. He basically said that when you’re in a state of mind of gratitude or gratefulness, it reminds you of the abundance that you already have in your life. In this state of abundance, it is not possible to generate negativity. Further extending on this, in this state of gratitude and abundance, it is basically not possible to talk shit. Bad things can still happen (and they will), and people can be unwitting assholes. However the response of one in a state of constant abundance versus one who doesn’t can mean the difference between hateful rift-causing vitriol and meaningful, compassionate relationship-building.

After taking a closer look at how this was playing out in my own life, I noticed how easy it had been to slip into the comfortable space of talking shit. I noticed that it actually takes a conscious effort to be mindful and grateful, and remind myself that it is actually my response to a negative stimulus that makes all the difference. I learned that my talking shit about a matter will actually accomplish nothing but to stoke my ego. The subject of whatever shit I’m talking about is not going to change for the better because of my act of talking shit. That’s just wishful stupid thinking, if that was the original intent of talking shit in the first place (which it rarely is).

There are countless literature and texts that all allude to the terrors that can arise from the simple act of talking shit. Wars have started from people talking shit.

So, I’ve decided to focus on my state of gratefulness. I’ve struggled with this for sure – and there is no excuse, I have abundance beyond my wildest dreams at this present moment. And I know that I will be a very sad man if I acquire worldly riches and fail to achieve gratitude and an abundant frame of mind. Engaging in such conversation that either has me talking shit or someone talking shit about something  or someone to me is a trap I don’t want to fall into. It’s a trap that will rob me of my abundance.

I know that in this place of abundance, relationships can be created better, broken ones can be mended, and love can truly abound-  hey, it might actually accomplish what talking shit might unintentionally want to accomplish- real change. Real shit.

Ah, what do I know. I’m just talking some shit.