In seeing how I’ve been living my life in recent months, I’ve realized something about myself. 

I’m a very weak-willed man. 

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve got a strong sense of discipline and work ethic, that’s for sure. But I’ve come to see that when I have goals I set out to accomplish in my life, there are a few saboteurs I’ve been allowing into destroy my progress. 

In short, it’s my drinking.

I enjoy it, I love the social aspect of it, and the great conversation it fosters. I love the buzz it brings, and the sense of camaraderie it provides. I love the taste of it. That part of me, it seems, will never change. Thankfully, in my adult years, I’ve been able to build a decent tolerance to it such that I won’t become a monster when I drink, but that also comes at a price in the form of more drinks it takes to achieve this fake euphoria, and liver enzymes. 

In the long run, living this kind of lifestyle has sabotaged most of my heath-related goals, and I see the hard results in the numbers. I work out hard, train 5-7x per week with a trainer, and watch what I eat 80% of the time. When I drink, my liver functions suboptimally, and pretty much all of this progress goes right out the window along with my common sense.

I know that I’ve tried everything in the book to try to curtail it, from making bets to just going on fasts. I’ve tried to keep it out of my house. I’ve tried to make more sober friends. 

I’ve also been faced with the fatalistic reasons brought on by peer pressure, and I’m a softie for this, I’ve realized. Fatalistic meaning the false sense of urgency brought about from the idea that time is short and we should live for now. Examples are when folks will say “this is the last time we will be able to do this!” Or “time is running out, we only have till 1:30 until the bars close!” And in my drunk mind, the pressure will be on. The drunk mind will think, “OH NO, I won’t be able to drink past 1:30am! What am I going to do with myself!! Let’s drink and take shots and go nuts!!! It’s the last time we will ever be able to do this!!” As ridiculous as this sounds, this false sense of urgency is much more readily suggested to the already drunk mind. And no, it’s NEVER the last time or the last night. There’s always another. And another. And ANOTHER.

It’s really asinine at the end of the day, if you think about it. And for anyone who has any real objectives or goals about their health, it’s a self destructive behavior that sabotages every facet of life in a downstream chain reaction. 

Don’t get me wrong- even after everything I just said here, I still enjoy drinking. That part will likely never change, even if I get Type II diabetes from all of this alcoholism. This is the crazy part- even after health related disasters, an addiction is still an addiction that perseveres. 

So I have a new strategy yet! It’s quite simple. Since I have a handful of people in my life who like to indulge to excess, I will make myself scarce during the times indulgence rears its ridiculous head. I will miss it, and I have always enjoyed it, but I will simply die early if I continue doing what I have been. And soon, I must live not only for myself, but my fiancée and future family. 

In my partial month of sobriety in January, I learned that it is certainly possible to enjoy social life without excessive alcohol involved. Yeah, it’s more fun of course when it is involved, but I’ve got new priorities now, and I adamantly refuse to be stuck in the false dream of adolescent recklessness, a byproduct of adult immaturity and a childlike longing to live big on past days and perceived times of carefree youth lost.

Deliberate scarcity to excessive alcohol = much higher chance of longevity and good health. It’s actually that simple. 

I won’t make my scarcity a burden to those who wish to carry on in this excess- by all means they should live big and go for the gusto. I just know I cannot function properly and achieve my goals while living this insanity. While there are those who are somehow able to thrive in this toxic euphoria, I fall short and know I’m incapable of this. I can’t swallow 7 drinks a night and think I can function properly the next day at my full capacity- I’m sure others might though, and more power to them. 

I’m not saying I’ll run away altogether- after all, I value my friends more than I value alcoholism. But I know that if I’m not around much longer due to this alcoholism, there won’t be a me to even be involved in these relationships. 

Deliberate scarcity. I guess for the most part, I can be found at the gym in the evenings, writing, eating, or reading at a coffee shop. 

And during those scarce moments of imbibing, it’ll be that much more sweet. 🙂