I’ve learned an interesting dynamic about people from a recent interaction I had with a friend who I had partnered up with for a business. This friend helped me understand that I needed to be more careful with my extension of trust. In the episode I’m about to describe, I learned that if you look carefully at the actions and words of people you do business with, I found that you can glean great insights into a person’s true character, intentions, and risk tolerance. An added bonus is that you see where you stand on the totem pole of priorities with that given person – and make no mistake about it – on a totem pole we all are with every single person we interact with, for better or worse. It’s important to know where you are on each person’s pole.

I’ll try to explain this as succinctly as possible without giving out identifiable information. Basically, I extended an opportunity to a friend who otherwise would never have done my line of business. In this opportunity, she would be earning a decent sum of money each month through partnering with me. I had set her up, and then presented her with a standard contract that would delineate our working agreement- the same as I present to all of my partners.

She came back at me with revisions in the contract that stipulated a removal of non-compete clauses, and other and other language that would protect her in the event I would sell my business (which is the kind of business that doesn’t get sold, but ok).

Now, she has every right to revise a contract and get it back to me for my approval – that’s fine. Everyone has a right to revise and negotiate, and come to a conclusion on a working agreement- in fact, everyone should  review, question, and negotiate as necessary on any business agreement – it’s just smart business. However, in this particular situation, this friend had failed to understand that there are factors outside of this contract that are in play, and that this is a contract that is pretty standard as far as what’s at stake (which is essentially nothing for the person). I could chalk it up to her being just super careful, being the worrywart she is.

But I learned something special in this seemingly innocuous interaction.

I learned that I cannot do business with people I cannot trust, and who cannot trust me.

If I thought this was a small interesting event, I could only imagine what kind of interactions would take place in future business ventures. This initial contract I gave this person was a chance for a small cementing of a small level of trust, and really, for small potatoes. In this challenge, I would see if the person would trust me enough to believe that I wouldn’t take advantage of them. This person sorely failed my challenge – and while she will remain my good friend and colleague, has limited her potential with me in one stroke of a pen.

I had to dig deeper to see why this would truly be the case. Was it her personality? Was it risk tolerance? Was it a fear of my personality and way of doing business? Was it because she was a woman (truly not)? Was it worry wart? I thought about this all night after I had encountered this interaction.

And then I figured it out.

She didn’t trust me. Moreover, she wanted to protect herself in the future as she saw a potential future business opportunity by learning what I did, and then branching out on her own.

This sort of thinking is myopic, and self-serving. It further is self-limiting, because they fail to realize that what little they hold onto is not really worth holding onto, and it is this very thing that prevents them from growing and truly thinking big. It is because if this person truly knew and trusted me and thought she would want to start her own business someday similar to mine, she would know that I would not have any issue with it. She would know that I would even help her build her business, and give her the accelerated connections and resources to help get her online and making profits in a short period of time, without all the mistakes that I’d made. The last thing that I would want this person to think is that I would prevent her from starting her own enterprise- but hey I get it, she probably wanted to protect herself in the event we had a falling out — sure, sure, I understand, and then, somehow, she would want to avoid being in competition with me. This is the mind of someone who is incessantly, neurotically worried about the wrong things.

This is the mind of someone who has misplaced values within my relationship with her – and perhaps about anyone else she interacts with. And it’s probably why she is where she is, incessantly in a state of worry, discontentment, and bitter, sardonic resentment for their status quo. Whatcha gonna do- it’s a very common thing actually.

But the diamonds that I picked up from this encounter were these:

1. As my UCLA professor once said, “only do business with those you know, like, and trust.“ It’s easy to know and like many people, but to trust them, well, that’s to be reserved for those who can stomach the responsibility of it, while being worthy of it in the first place.
2. This one’s just as important if not more: watch for signs of myopic thinking in a person, especially if you are planning on building any relationship with them at all, business or personal. It is this very narrow-mindedness that breeds limited thinking, belief in what is truly possible, and selfishness when it comes to who takes what part of the pie, along with other interpersonal matters. Myopic thinking leads to a person committing their energy, resources, and time largely to activities that solely or at best largely benefit themselves. The irony of it is that if they didn’t let themselves get limited by this myopia, their potential would be multiples of what they could even dare imagine – and certainly better in just about every metric of quality about their status quo.

I say this with great confidence because I’ve seen it with my own eyes and experienced it firsthand now. If you ever find yourself in company of myopic people, tread carefully – because it tends to rub off. Misery loves company, and so it is with myopic minds. To the person who would limit themselves in this way, I am truly sorry for you. This life isn’t so kind to the myopic, as much as I’ve seen in my 36 years.

In 2003 I wrote a similar blog about Potentially Depressing People (PDPs) during my short yet highly depressing stint in Monterey after my undergrad years. Basically it was about how one should not surround themselves or become relationally entrenched with people who will bring them down, mentally, spiritually, and physically even. At that time I was surrounded by misery and myopic people. I was lucky enough to have a chance to leave that shithole, but to those who stayed, well, I saw what happened many years later. It’s not a pretty picture, I’ll just leave it at that.

PDPs, myopic people, really one in the same at the end of the day. Sure, they may have charismatic personalities and be the life of the party, but when the dust settles, you know a person for who they truly are.

And when that dust settles, may you not be one of those myopic people, or find yourself in the company of them (or worse, doing business with them). If you do find yourself in such company, do what you can to extricate yourself from their presence. It saves a lot of time and headache, it really does.

My sincere hope is that you experience what generosity, open-mindedness, and letting go can yield in life. You’d be surprised. I know I certainly have been.