I was having a random discussion with a brother of mine recently regarding relationships. The specific topic of discussion had to do with what oftentimes becomes the issue between a man and a woman, primarily due to the way each gender is wired. It was a “what women think” kind of a talk, to the best that two guys talking about this topic can discuss.

Here’s the gist of the words of wisdom from my friend:

• one of the things a husband needs more than just about anything else is appreciation from their wife. 
• the greatest reason that a man’s eyes wander is not sex or lack of it. . . . it’s lack of appreciation. When appreciation isn’t provided for at home, there will invariably be a woman nearby who does show it to that man. THIS is where men fall. 
• when he talks to couples, he always tells the women about the important role they have of being appreciative in tangible, outward, and expressive ways. 
• men can go SO far when their lady is appreciative and a cheerleader. This is about all that all men need, really. 
• women who do not understand how to do this usually have bad marriages.

So, this was obviously one-sided, because we were talking as two men. There is of course the flip side of why women fail to show appreciation for their men – it’s simply because they either 1) don’t feel like their men deserve their appreciation whether they deserve it or not, 2) their men actually don’t deserve appreciation and/or 3) they don’t know how to show appreciation. Sure, there are a good plenty of instances where men are complete douchebags and disgusting animals, and no one can expect their significant others to convey affectionate appreciation to these people.

But this is a general discourse about appreciation. Amongst my own group of friends and people I know, I have seen this to be the cause of disaster way too often. I’ve seen attempts to garner appreciation end up flying in their face, and to add insult to injury, their own wives/significant others would deem them too sensitive.

No man wants to be called a pansy, and it’s never a topic any man wants to bring up to their woman. However, the sad truth is that I have seen so many devastated marriages, cheating spouses, destroyed families and relationships happen all because of this one point of the lack of appreciation.

The opposite of this is what a woman needs from a man, reassurance. It takes work on both sides obviously to have a woman feel reassured, whilst the man feels appreciated. It takes trust for each side to believe the other side will actively participate in making the reassurance and appreciation happen.

I believe it’s the onus is on the man to take that initiative to reassure his woman. But when the initiative is taken and appreciation doesn’t happen, well. . . see the bullet points above. It happens all the time.

I must say though, it can be a vicious cycle when men try to reassure an unappreciative wife, and the wife feels no need to be appreciative of an unreassuring husband. What’s the solution here?

Is it trust? Is it communication? Is it both? Is there an X factor that primes the pump or lubricates the wheels and cogs to keep the engine running strong?

At the end of the day, love takes work. It’s working through the tough times and the feelings of dry emotions. And then you hear about the couples who have been together for 37 years and express a certain happiness that seems almost idyllic, and wonder how this is possible. After all those years, was it the man reassuring the woman consistently, while the woman would demonstrate affection through appreciation? Doesn’t that get tiring on both sides? What is it that continues to drive and spur this love?

I have too many questions.