Ahhh, marriage. The holy matrimony of two bound by love to be in union for the rest of their lives.

Holy, indeed. <begin mild rant>

The American Psychological Association reports that America’s divorce rate is 40-50%, while some report yet higher numbers (which I believe more to be the case). In my own empirical count of divorced friends, I think the statistical average is just about on point.

While marriage is the natural progression of relationships and is intended to foster the landscape for a fruitful nuclear family (in the traditional sense), I have to question carefully why it is the case that people truly marry. Is it for aspirational lifelong commitment? Surely. Is it for beneficial tax treatment and the commingling of community property? Sure, why not. Is it to quell societal pressures to adhere to norms of times past? It oftentimes is. Is it to check off a line item in life’s checklist of to-do’s? I’d think so. Is it for LOVE? I sure as hell hope so at a minimum.

I have no problem with either of the above items – in fact, it is actually my hope and dream to marry someday for all of these things and much more.

Where I DO have a problem with it is the fleeting opera of emotions and lack of gravitas by which many marriages oftentimes begin. So much emphasis is placed on the ceremony, the preparation, all of the detail of what goes into the perception of a marital union, and again – that’s all good and dandy, but I’ve seen way too much, way too often, marriages that begin with all the greatest intentions, and where so much attention had been placed on the things of marriage. Yes, this is meant to be an occasion and time of joy, happiness, merriment, and all that jazz, absolutely. I’m all for it, sign me up!

Now here is where I begin my argument against marriage- as an institution, an event, and as an idea.

All too often, the months and years pass after the deed is done, and for whatever the reason, things get tough. Finances are difficult. A spouse has a wandering eye. They can’t conceive. There’s a death or disability in the family. The list goes on and on. These are possible curveballs in all of our lives, yet in the institution of marriage, people (at least these days) have become so fickle that the backdoor is all too accessible. People divorce because they didn’t like the way their spouse arranged the dishes in the cupboard. Another because of the way the spouse spoke down to them. Another because of a drinking problem (yes, this can be serious). Another due to a sexual problem. Life can suck sometimes, it stinks, and shit happens (and it absolutely will). How easy is it then for a budding couple to find themselves in the same courthouse they went to when they married, except this time find themselves attempting the cleanest break possible with minimal drama? Long story short – it’s easy to cop out, especially these days. Throw any damn excuse at the wall, and it sticks, especially if you have a good attorney.

No one goes into marriage looking for the backdoor, I know – that’s ridiculous. However, the ease of which that backdoor is available and considered an easy out in case shit hits the fan – well, I say that if one views this kind of union to be that easy to drop, why even start it in the first place? There are couples that can have a perfectly normal family without that title of being married (sometimes even healthier).

I know two kinds of married couples amongst my circles of friends. Those who married with a religious context (no religion in particular), and those who married with regular, secular context. The same troubles of life plague both. I only mention this because amongst these 2 groups of my married friends, the actual difference in divorce rate is statistically different. The ones with religious context approach 0% while the other group approach 70%. These are just the facts of the matter for my group – which may or may not be representative of the larger norm.

Now, I’ve had my fair share of conversations with both sides of the fence. I know that for instance, the religious couples have stayed together through some hell of their own experiences – it’s definitely not all flowers and birds there. But the common thread I’ve picked up in this group is that they had a higher sense of gravitas, seriousness and dedication to their spouses – and for many of them, divorce was only a serious last ditch consideration even after all of life’s crazy disasters. It was because of the religious context and emphasis on the importance of the foundation of marriage that many of these couples were able to endure the storms of life- I firmly believe this has been the case.

Now, amongst my happily married non-religious friends, the ~30% of non-divorced couples that I have been able to carefully observe have been a source of true mystery for me. I am actually intrigued by the fact that in the midst of statistical disadvantage, they’re making it happen, day in and day out (I’m not cynical or anything yeah? 🙂 ). I oftentimes ask what their secrets are when I’m able to corner them for a conversation. I hear answers such as “well, we agree by these rules – never bring up the past or hold it against the other person, and always dedicate at least an hour to hang out each day together no matter how busy we get.” I hear other things like “ensure you clearly define your boundaries, and expectations of each other.” Sure, I get it, communication is key. Perhaps I need more information, or perhaps more time for the outcome of interactions behind closed doors in order to gain a more accurate assessment of this mysterious cohort. I have faith that there are more of you out there, I can FEEL it!

For now, the numbers speak for themselves. I am most interested in the answer to this question – if not for religious reasons, WHY do two people get married? (exclude ridiculous reasons e.g. for the visa, for money, for the trophy wife, etc) The operative word is “MARRIED.”

At the end of the day, it’s a contract between two people to abide by each other through the ups and downs of life. If it’s just to say it’s for commitment, a piece of paper alone, while it is truly significant in terms of getting the point across, is not enough if there’s no other context or gravitas.

It is in my mind a foolish venture unless you’re all in. Maybe I underestimate the fallibility of myself and my fellow man.

I guess I’ll never know unless I go through with it myself.